the void

i feel sad. i feel sad for closing my door for my ex. you might have probably read his name all over this blog. yesterday he texted me saying "musta" didn't know it was him cos i deleted his num from my phonebook. so i called the number. i mistook him for another prank texter. he was asking why i was bitter. and that he just wants us to be friends. so i went on my same old dramathon. now i'm clouded with sadness. why does he have to do that? i'm not Chacha. i don't want to wait in vain. i don't want us to be friends. maybe in the future. but now.. my head is too messed up for it. now he dug on a feeling that i was supposed to have already buried half-way down. i was already comfortable with it. i was starting to think of happy thoughts. now my yosi breaks are spent hating myself again. i walk like a zombie again.

fuck! why does he have to make it this hard for me. if he love someone else why won't he just forget me? he's so unfair. he thinks i'd take it as easy as he took it. he's fucking wrong. i'm not all right. i pretend to be, but i'm not. and the only thing i'd like to do is take him off my head.

sometimes though i feel a bit of guilt for pushing him away. he was the best thing that ever happened to me. he was the one that made me whole. now i feel voided. i feel crappy thinking that i am not who he want now. i understand our situation is kinda lame, the long distance and all... but it's not going to be long until we live together again. i think. well, talk about free will. i remember he asked why i gave up when i decided to close the door for him. i don't know what that means. all i know is, i don't want to feel sad again. i want to get over it. i don't think i deserve it.