a song for goodbye

stop me before i try to leave-again.
stop me before i believe that i can!

if the world divide us now
and i'm busy running frightened
take all i have broken
as i fall tracing your steps
and the challege is this -
will they find what they've been missing
the fate of the world resides
in the heart that bled for this madness

sooner or later, someone's gonna get it
i'm giving up my pride

-Last Dance, Imago

in love with the devil

should i, or should i not? blog about it? oh what a stupid question!
Uh, basically this is about an evil being who holds my heart in his hand. all my friends hate him, even if they haven't seen him yet. my closest cousin Donna told me to close his case and move on. Irene had a funny remark, she said: "why don't you try for once taking your own advices, huh? 'nothing i can say. the minute he stepped at the airport, i fumbled like a child and embraced his evil ways. he's a selfish manipulative demon who knows exactly how to operate me to his favor.

eyebags

sleep. it's what i need. but however i cuddle my pillow, count sheeps, or dream of polka dots.. sleep is nowhere to be found. it's very elusive. it comes and it goes. sometimes it stays too long, sometimes it stays for just an hour or two. yesterday i went home at about 1pm, hit the sack 15 minutes later.. tick-tack-tick-tack..i finished watching A Good Year - which is a terrific movie by the way; i even exhausted my cellphone's battery. sleep didn't come around until 5:30 pm. and i have to meet Radz at 7pm. holy cow. woke up from the text msgs because i had the volume of my mobile phone up because i knew i'd oversleep, otherwise. looked at the clock t'was 7:50pm. Radz was already lost in the mall and i was so dead in my bed, snoring, probably. haha! i was thinking of ditching him but i felt guilty because i know he'd wait. i didn't show up last Sunday night when i dearly promised to take him to a movie. this is the time to pay him back for the kindness and all his treats. at about 9 i hopped on a taxi and went straight to the mall. our plan was to watch a movie but we ended up in Starbucks, sipping coffee, smoking and sharing the lives we would like to have after this call center stint. it was too late for a movie. he kind of commented that i smoke quite more than how i used to. i thought so too. oh well. yosi muna tapos uwi.

Candy

i like movies about junkies because they can be proverbial. they portray a person's extreme emotions. they show you the bliss and the angst. all kinds of them in a life of a junkie.

i think this is one of the best movies i've seen that portrays junkies in their most honest behaviors. Heath Ledger and Abbie Cornish are two love-birds drawn by love and heroin. they have this love for each other that you will almost envy. it's a total abandon. then again, heroin leads nowehere else but destruction. i give this movie an 8. all applause for Heath Ledger on this movie. (nice ass!)

this movie reminds me of the song by Urbandun - New Tattoo.. which is what i'm listening to right now. it goes like - "i'll breathe for you/like a new tattoo/in my heart you'll stay permamnent."

i get by

at work. preparing x'mas decors with an officemate Celia. She's a very funny girl. work doesn't seem to be work with her. we laugh so much our stomach hurts once it's time to log-out. Right behind us are our respective posts. As you can see, hers is very organized while mine is--not so. hehehe! we're preparing our x'mas decors because it's a contest between teams. at this time we're on Aux4 - training Aux, so we didn't take calls for about an hour and a half. a moment of bliss for us. hehehehe - the call center life.

previous office.i think this was my last month at work in ACS. that's Bryan seated in front, at the left side are two fags (the one wearing a gray jacket, Lloyd, is still on denial tho - haha!) That girl seated is Irene, then there's Ryan in white shirt and Dharrel doing the crazy-face at the back (talagang umepal, ano - hahaha!). I miss these guys. So much. You'll forget all your worries when your're with them. You wouldn't mind the salary actually as long as you're with people that brightens your day up.

on training. these are my tropain training. sometimes i wish training hasn't ended yet. i smoke less then. things were not this complicated. i don't get kickbacks then. hahahah. from the left, that's nevermind!, Pam - the deadma chic, Marge - my yosi buddy, Macmac! - the crazy crazy guy but a good friend of mine, a yosi buddy as well, Carlito - ang pinakamayabang sa lahat! hahaha! HOney's Honey... yeeehaaa! and Laygz, the lesbian but toally cool girl - no dull moment with her.

Whoops?!

i received a forwarded text msg today saying:

"D biggest lie is - When i get what i want, I will be Happy - All things have a replacement.. So when you get something you want, you loose something you need."

It kind of a bit hit me bullseye. Monday midnight i did something i don't know if i'm happy about or not. i was just contemplating about it. yesterday when i got home at 7am i was too tired to even remember what happened. i slept all day yesterday. even forgot to do my errands. i mean, i'm not violating any rules. i believe i chose it and wanted it. then why am i not happy? i don't feel less, i just feel nothing. there was this "want" but when i finally got it i felt nothing. i don't feel any remorse over it, it just amazes me how i feel totally numb about it. guess it's because i know what i need now? i am more self-aware. then why did i do it? i wasn't trying to be some wild-child. i didn't need to. there's no one to rebel to. isn't there? or...was i?

a funny thing happened to me this midnight. t'was about 12am. i was smoking right outside the office, with no company, when suddenly this man came up to me and said.. "kapatid ka ba ni Bianca?" i said, "no," obviously because i have no sister. and he was like.. "oh sorry! kala ko kapatid mo si Bianca, nanjan din kase sister nya e.. CustCare ka ba?" i replied, "Yea, and ikaw tech?" i can tell by how faded his ID necklace is - hehe. he replied with a little confusion "Ah, Tech?" i said "No, i mean ikaw ba tech?" he said ""yes."then after a few awkward seconds, "sorry napahiya pa tuloy ako" i replied "gago, K lang yun (chuckle)"struggling on a thing to say, i asked him who BIanca is, he told me a surename of Comolo i believe - well at least that's what i heard, and i was like OK. he said he just heard her sister works there but he doesn't really know her personally. then he stomped on his cigarette and said goodbye. **ssheeesshh**

today Bryan dropped by my post, he saw the picture on my post. 'told him that's my boyfriend but once he realizes that he's my boyfriend we'll probably break up. hahahaha! he asked where JK is, i said uhm...went to find another girl. He also told me he met Jane outside the building, and i was like "Friends kayo?" hahahah! damn my mouth couldn't hush-hush. he was like.. "What do you know?! i said nothing, ask your girlfriend. hahahahah! I was dropping some hint. i don't know if he gets it. Maybe he does.

Over The Hedge

watched the movie this morning as soon as i got home. i watched it with Jasvil. However, it didn't turn out to be as fun as we expected it to be. Jasvil fell asleep in the middle of the movie. And i almost did. i got the moral of the story, somehow. it's about uh---family. it's just weird how a turtle can live in the woods. hehe. i guess that's a formula of a good story - there has to be something odd with the lead character. when Jasvil woke up and we were talking about the movie, she was like... "god i feel asleep on that movie! was it boring? or am i just too old for that now?" **chuckle** i think it's a bit of both. we've seen lotsa' movies with the same theme. same type of humor. same plot. it feels like watching a tagalog flick. honestly. like you would know what will happen next. no more surprises for viewers. nothing new. nothing phenomenal. "same old, same old" they say. even the great animation failed to astound us when in fact it was real cool. however, we've grown tired of 'em now. i think what they could have improved on on this flick is the plot. they should have tweaked it a bit. having a turtle in a pack of wood animals isn't enough, i think. it's also evident that they are banking on the humor. it was a good but not good enough. there was supposed to be a really funny part there when the squirrel said he can actually burp his ABC's but it was cut short. i could hear Jasvil let out a big laugh but faded after 3 seconds. hehehe. that was the effect of it. from 1-10, 10 as the highest my rating for this movie is 5 = Satisfactory.

***Soon to come: 2006 RECAP! (can't wait! - it's going to be this blog's anniversary. didn't know blogs also have anniversaries, hahahhaha! "keber?!"

A chain letter

***this one made my toe curl.



Salty Coffee: An amazing Love Story

He met her at a party. She was so beautiful, many guys were chasing after her, while he was so
plain and simple, nobody paid attention to him.

At the end of the party, he invited her to have coffee with him, she was surprised, but to be
polite, she consented. They went to a nice
coffee shop, he was too nervous to say anything, she felt uncomfortable, she thought, please,
let me go home.... suddenly he asked the waiter.

"would you please give me some salt? I'd like to put it in my coffee."

Everybody stared at him, How strange! His face turned red, but still, he put the salt in his
coffee and drank it.

She asked him curiously; why you have salt in your coffee? He replied: "when I was a little boy,
I lived near the sea, I like playing in the sea, I could feel the taste of the sea, just like
the taste of the salty coffee. Now every time I have the salty coffee, I always think of my
childhood, think of my hometown, I miss my hometown so much, I miss my parents who still live
there". While saying that tears filled his eyes. She was deeply touched.

That's his true feelings, from the bottom of his heart. A man who can share his homesickness, he
must be a man who loves home, cares about home, has ties to his home.
Then she also started to speak, spoke about her faraway hometown, her childhood, her family.
That was a really nice talk, also a beautiful beginning of their story.

They continued to date. She found that he was actually a man who meets all her demands; he had
tolerance, was kind hearted, warm, careful. He was such a good person but she almost missed
knowing him! Thanks to his salty coffee!

The story ended just like every beautiful love
story , the princess married the prince, then they lived happily ever after... And, every time
she made coffee for him, she put some
salt in it, as she knew that's the way he liked it.

After 40 years, he passed away, left her a letter which said: "My dearest, please forgive me, I
have been lying my whole life. This was the only lie I told you---the salty coffee.

Remember the first time we dated? I was so nervous at that time, actually I wanted some sugar,
but I said salt. It was hard for me to change it, so I just went ahead.I never thought that
could be the start of our conversation! I tried to tell you the truth many times in my life, but
I was too afraid to do that, as I have promised not to lie to you about anything. Now I'm dying,
I'm afraid of nothing so I can tell you the truth: I don't like the salty coffee, what a strange
bad taste.. But I have had the salty coffee for my whole life! I would rather endure the
physical taste of something I don't like than lose the taste of love that has kept my life
worth living.

Since I met you, I don't ever feel sorry for everything I did for you. " Having you with me is
the biggest thrill of my whole life. If I can live a second time around, I would still want to
know you and have you for the rest of my life,even though I have to drink the salty coffee
again".

Her tears made the letter totally wet. One day, someone asked her: how did the salty coffee
taste? It was very sweet, she replied.
Love is not to forget but to forgive, not to see but to understand, not to hear but to listen,
not to let go but to hold on !

Don't ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because the one you like will leave you
for the one they love. Tonight your true love will realize how much they love you, between 1 and
4 in the morning. Tomorrow the shock of your life will
occur. If you break the chain you will have bad luck for 10 yrs if you don't pass this on to 15
people in 15 mins including the one from whom you
got this..

Forget the things that make you sad .... Remember the things that make you glad.

It's HELLO, not Heller! -Miss Pattie

today i bought some DVD's. found a neat collection of movies in one disc. i hope this will work in my player. it has 7 movies: Volver (penelope cruz), A Good Year (russel crowe), Cake (heather graham), Candy (heath ledger), Stranger than Fiction (will ferrel), Trust the Man (david duchovny), and Employee of the Month (done cook). i bought it for only 35Php! how cool is that. hehe. now the quality? haven't tried it on my own player yet. maybe later. i also have A nightmare before Xmas, Walk the line, Over the Hedge, Nacho Libre, and the Jaws movie collection. imu' have a movie marathon Sunday! gee, i miss this.

now i'm listening to Telepono by Sugarfree. One of my all-time favorite song. hehe. 'been reading my posts in the prev months and found this song. I remember this was their very first single. i loved this song the first time i heard it in NU. Sugarfree was still unsigned then. Eraserheads were still in their glory. hehe. if my life is a movie, this song is one of the soundtracks. yep. i like this song that much. Especially when Ebe sings "Kung wala na tayo sa telepono? / At nandito na tayo sa tunay na mundo? / Woohoo / Hello? di na kita naiintndihan / malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dal'wa? / Hello? gising ka pa kaya? / Hello? nahihilo na ako sa'yo.." **sigh** it's a bit strange to hear this again because it brings back those days when i was so dead in love, talking on the phone for hours. t'was just lately when i realized i've been loving the wrong person the whole time. that's why i couldn't understand why things happened the way it did---because it's wrong.

Hello?

i hate LYRICS on a blog

lol


(the reason i deleted mu' prev post. kept looking for a video for that in YOUTUBE tho.. can't find one. guess there aren't much NINA fans out there)

moving on...

i don't want to start another dramathon. it makes this blog more lame. i also don't want to complain about people who are making my life miserable. i don't want to write about what i did every minute of my day. actually, there's nothing i'd like to do. i don't even want to sleep. maybe stare at melencholic pictures? in deviantart? days pass like falling leaves in autumn. every inhale of cigarette is like another day of my life span removed. i used to be determined. i used to be so insipred. i used to know what i want. now i stare at a friend who's talking to me without listening to what he's saying. the words that comes off his mouth is a blur. it happens every now and then. i go wherever i want. i do whatever i want. eat whatever i like. i take no one's advice. i'm free as a bird. isn't it great? maybe.

time flies when your brain's smashed down the drain

i thought monday was just an hour ago. today's a freakkinnn thursday, i realized. tomorrow is Friday - PAYDAY. woohooo! then again, who would want to celebrate if your death sentence is just right off the block? i'm only one wrong email capture away from getting a RED ALERT filed on my folder. RED ALERT = No Promotion. No Promotion = No Future in this company. Good Lord! where is thy brain? This company is definitely not for no-brainers. It was just tough luck that i got in here. **sigh** i hear someone telling me, if then can do it why can't you?!

uhhh---because i lost my brain? lol

the void

i feel sad. i feel sad for closing my door for my ex. you might have probably read his name all over this blog. yesterday he texted me saying "musta" didn't know it was him cos i deleted his num from my phonebook. so i called the number. i mistook him for another prank texter. he was asking why i was bitter. and that he just wants us to be friends. so i went on my same old dramathon. now i'm clouded with sadness. why does he have to do that? i'm not Chacha. i don't want to wait in vain. i don't want us to be friends. maybe in the future. but now.. my head is too messed up for it. now he dug on a feeling that i was supposed to have already buried half-way down. i was already comfortable with it. i was starting to think of happy thoughts. now my yosi breaks are spent hating myself again. i walk like a zombie again.

fuck! why does he have to make it this hard for me. if he love someone else why won't he just forget me? he's so unfair. he thinks i'd take it as easy as he took it. he's fucking wrong. i'm not all right. i pretend to be, but i'm not. and the only thing i'd like to do is take him off my head.

sometimes though i feel a bit of guilt for pushing him away. he was the best thing that ever happened to me. he was the one that made me whole. now i feel voided. i feel crappy thinking that i am not who he want now. i understand our situation is kinda lame, the long distance and all... but it's not going to be long until we live together again. i think. well, talk about free will. i remember he asked why i gave up when i decided to close the door for him. i don't know what that means. all i know is, i don't want to feel sad again. i want to get over it. i don't think i deserve it.

sad eyes

had another long weekend. after work, Saturday morning, i and Jane went to DIVSORIA. she bought some gifts while i bought... gifts for myself. hehe. i had an appointment with Jai at 8pm that day. got home from DVSORIA about 7pm. boy the traffic was so freakkiiinn bad! i hate Avenida! so when i was about to go to bed Jai texted me asking me where to meet up... and i was like.. "can we just move it for tommorow? i'm so tired." *sigh* my appeal only worked for a few second, in the end i gave in, jumped up from my bed and went straight to the bathroom. i spotted him instantly at McDo Pasong Tamo. he was looking kinda' lonely.

so there. he told me the whole story. He and Layla broke up. Layla had found someone else. He moved out from their place just a week ago. i guess that was that why he bugged me constantly the whole week. oh boy, i've never seen such sad eyes on him. my heart fell on the floor. he was tellin' me about how he gave Layla everything, how serious he was with the relationship, how he never at any point of their 3-year relationship looked at any other girls but Layla. and i believe him because i know him. i totally feel sorry for him and i wish there's something i can do to ease that pain. but i told him, Jai i'm sorry i'm not used to seeing a man get hurt like this. normally i hear stories of cheating men, but cheating girlfriends? rarely. so forgive me i don't know what to say. but of course that night wasn't all about being sad.. shared a lot of laughs as well. i told him about how my doctor insist that this lump on my neck is cancer. while the result shows otherwise. and my friend says i ought to tell the doctor Pakyu! his opinion was weird. hehe. he's a person that u can rarely see smile. but i guess that night i made him smile. then we went to Saguijo. never expected the band i'd see there play. HILERA!!!! hehe. Jai plays drums, so he really enjoyed the show. especially when Dong Abay stepped in. He looked like a real fan. hehe. I think we went home at about 2am.

the next morning, Sunday. woke up at 10am. Angel texted, said she wants to eat out. so eat out with did. spent 4 hours in Starbucks Greenbelt, smoked about 10 sticks of cigs. then we went to church. and then we went Videoke. haha. sang our hearts out. t'was fun.

now it's Monday. back to work again.

have a great day!

Oh.

was unable to finish my WEEKEND HANGOVER post. it's a long one. t'was probably the LONGEST weekend of my life. now i'm tired to think back. i'm not in the mood. i feel like a worn out whore. so strung out. this isn't because of my weekend. this is because of my cholesterol-woman supervisor and those 2 dumb RS's.. "DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR FUCKIN' JOB?!" too bad for my sorry ass, the bottom-feeder, the one who gets all the blame, the frontliner---the fuckin' agent!

what happened? u may ask. Long Story, and chances are, if i get into details i'd definitely bore you dear reader.. (if there is one) in layman's term though, the RS's did not DO their job. a job that was already assigned to them, as they WILLINGLY and REMORSELESSLY accepted it at first. as Honey call it.. Mamaru sila! short for Nagmamarunong! now my metrics is on the line because they realized they're too dumb to do the freakin' job! so they're passing it back to me. what, after 2 KICKBACKS?! the hell?!

Early this morning Jai was bugging me. i don't know what to do with him. quite frankly i don't even want to think about him. i'm currently nursing a shameful heartbreak, i have absorbed my friends' sorrows, and now i'm faced with this on-the-job-dilemna about 3 stupid people. how did they fuckin' get that job. **sigh** "well, i can't relate.." i hear JK tellin' me. and he'll probably rant a bit about how i should've applied to Ambergruis crap. oh well, he's gone.

weekend hangover

i don't know how to start up this day's post. do i give the full detail of each event that happened last weekend? or do i just mention it in passing? oh well, my sleep schedule would be 6pm today so i think i have lots of time in my hands.

FRIDAY.

slept at 1pm woke up at 3pm, so that's 2 hours of sleep. took a shower and went to our meeting place--MCDo, Mall of Asia. i bought 10 sticks of Marlboro Lights because McDo makes wanna drink McFloat and smoke. A cheap version of the cig&coffee spree in Starbucks... only it's soda. i got there at about 5:00, you can tell i was very excited. i was 30 minutes early. i texted Bernz, he said he was at the Foodcourt. in a while he came and joined me. he said "nako, bawal ang yosi at lighter sa loob ng WTC." i said, "talaga? o cge ubusin ko na lang tong lahat habang hinhintay ang iba.." he let out a smirk and said "e pano yung lighter?" he was kind of contemlating...then i said "e di lagay ko na lang sa sapatos ko!" hehehe.. so as we lined up, me, Nikki and rocker-doctor girlfriends, Jackie, Shen "the Emo chic", that girl who's been watching rock awards for a long time (forgot the name) and Bernz... i hid my little black lighter on my shoe. quite a discomfort, if you ask me. but hey, it's worth it. hahahaha!

when we got in,, we were approached by pretty chics in miniskirt, handing us pamphlets from the sponsors. Bernz and Jackie scored an NU sticker... i wonder where i was then. Hrm! there were hoards of cool people, punk kids, socialites... all drawn together on this one hard rockin' event. when we got a a place in the middle, i and doc Nikki decided to line up for beer. it's cool cos they had a literal truck of beer inside the WTC. they had truck full of beer inside WTC. hahahaha! there was also a VIP lounge which is about 15 feet elevated. all the cool people were there.. Phoemela Baranda "she's SO hot!", Asia, and more... The show kicked off with a band who won the Red Horse Muziklaban---HardBoiledEggs; saw them once in MYX LIVE, they were great. PUPIL followed. By then I, Jackie and Shen made our way to the front to we'd be abl to see the people on stage---weee!!! midgets!!! hehe! So we were in front of this BIG Bouncer... one time in the show, that Bouncer freakin' gagged at Shen... everyone at the back were doing moshpits and all, and the three of us were just steady in our own space, headbanging our heads with the music... out of nowhere the Bouncer shouted at Shen saying "ang tigas ng ulo mo ah, sabi'ng haggang jan lang kayo....!!!" blah blah blah.. and we looked at each other with this WTF?!!-face. Clearly that muscle man was just looking for someone to yell at to establish his authority. what a jerk! hmf! anyway.. Kamikazee won the most awards. Mong is still the Guitarist of the Year.. when will that ever change?? haha! uhm.. i didn't aid so much attention to the awards. i focused on the performances. It was Kamikazee's night, Jay was in his most comedic personality. Even Chito decided to just stay in the background... Jay was fuckin' crazy. Dong Abay was also present. hehe. He was wearing this Ifugao costume. it was so fuckin' cute on him! And SANDWICH!!! Myrene was bassist of the year, by the way, Sandwich played DVDX with JAMIR of slapshock... Mong and Raims went stage diving... hahaha! it was so fun! then came... The Dawn... everyone on stage was so wee-happy! their smiles were up until their ears.. especially Buddy Zabala. he's never been that cute before. Jet Pangan was jumping on stage like a popcorn on a hot pot while Raims, Dong Abay, Chito, and Gabby jammed with them. they sang the good ole' The Dawn ditties... it was so memorable... when they were singing SALAMAT, so drawn by the moment, Raims hugged Buddy tightly... it was like a 2-minute hug. i almost cried. haha! below is a snippet of The Dawn's performance, just grabbed this from YouTUbe.



after the gig, we went straight to Bagnaberde---10 steps away from WTC. Freestyle was playing---we couldn't relate, hehe... but we weren't minding them we were so focused on the food we were eating the and talking abouut the highlights of the show.


SATURDAY

still got the NU rock Awards hang over but i pushed myself to wake up at about 7am. i remembered last night JR said Angel was at the hospital, which is a total relief. Good thing Badeth texted me, said she was going as well... so we went looking for the hospital together. When we got there, Angie was okay but pressure about the finances was there. My ole' team mates were there, Fred and John, Irene and someone new i don't recognize... she was really ecstatic with the support she received. well, i believe that's how you'll know who your true friends are---by the people who'll be there with you at your lowest. she was so touched by our presence she couldn't stop talking about it. hehehe. geez. she's just so freakin' hilarious. Jane also came to the hospital. So we talked and talked and talked until i realized it's 5pm and i'm so late to my doctor's appointment. hate to but i had to go.

***NOTE: this is the sad part of leaving a post in complete for almost 2 weeks, i don't recall what happened right after that last sentence. tsk! tsk! memory gap.