just give up

i don't know why i listen to people. i should know better. i don't know why i entertain the past. i should only look forward. i feel a terrible mix of emotions today. i wish the pain killer i'm taking can also kill pains of life's harsh reality. like i mentioned about several days ago, I DON't WANT TO FEEL like how i did in November 20th. It was better the day after that but i don't know how it's creeping up again to me. Maybe because it's still there. and no matter what block i put in it, a hole will still be a hole. Life should be so simple. You eat, work, sleep. Why can't i manage to do just that? Why do i have to insert unrealistic thoughts in between? i think emotinally, i need an overhaul. how do i do that? i don't know. i wish you can just remove everything u don't like from your mind and heart completely in a snap. i wish it's that easy and convenient. evidently it's not so i'm screwed. i have to live with it. Gene told me to take life day by day, (we were just atlking about jobs in the US at the start of that conversation, haha! it somehow shifted to life?) i didn't know what to say because i don't want to feel the same pain every fucking day of my life. It will pass, yes, but i don't want to feel it at all. Maybe subconsciously i don't want to accept defeat. I'm the type who always want to fight the fight (emotionally). Maybe i don't understand it. Maybe i don't see the logic of it now. or maybe i do, emotional grievance is just maybe overshadowing it now. someday i'll probably realize what it's for. here comes the test of patience. i'm never patient. ugh.