sleepyhead!@?

i'm such a sleepyhead. today i was supposed to go "bonding" with my girlfriends; we were supposed to meet at 7pm, i woke up 8:30pm. haha! i never change. i swear when god showered good looks on earth i was dead asleep! Rey (my gay friend) is going to the States this Dec 5, we may never see him again. huhu. and Badeth, i miss Badeth. got lots of stories to tell. ***haaaayyyy***

i texted Erwin last night (my eldest brother), i asked if he'll go home this holiday, he said he's not sure. so maybe i should stop bugging my Service Lead to approve my vacation leave this holiday. i'm not going home this new year.

is this the beginning or the end?

just a few minutes ago, chatted with Jai. he had free WIFI. lucky bastard. me and Jasvil couldn't connect to WIFI. it was asking for SSID. whatever it means. i think our area should be a wifi area, it's the air-fucking-port! anyway, she'll try to get it configured tomorrow she said. now i remember how i miss that guy. anyway, rightafter he left the chatroom Dennis went on-line. his cousin. had a really fun conversation. we both miss DIRECTV! waaaaa! Also received a message from John in my friendster.. he was commenting on a picture i just uploaded, which is what you see right above. aren't we cute? he said. i replied, no, I am CUTE! hahahahah! that's blasphemy.

today i went to church. prior to that i picked up and dropped off the laundry in the laundrymat. then i ate at McDonalds. Just like a regular day in paranaque. i totally MISS a regular day. the past week, i think no day was a regular day. either it's a crying day, a sleeplees day, a messed up day, a headache day... urgh! yesterday i went to Angel's place. she's freakin' devastated, miserable, confuse, hopeless... damn, a few days ago i thought i was the most miserable person in this world! when i saw her, and heard the story personally, i felt ashamed of myself. Somehow it was her fault though because she went with the wrong person. and SHE knows pretty well that HE was the wrong one. which gives me a great deal of a lesson in terms of choosing who to hook up with in the future. It's just so sad. sorrow is clouding her thoughts right now. she told me last night she wanted to die. i replied.. "NO, he's not WORTH it." just like what i told Jasvil today when she knew her ex had several girlfriends while they were together! she said she cried real hard while i was asleep. i didn't notice because i was so deep asleep. HE'S DEFINITELY NOT WORTH IT. I mean, come on! to the ladies who continue to suffer because of men? THEY'RE NOT WORTH IT. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

so many things had happened, i don't know if this is just the beginning of a heavier pain or is this the end of it?

the video below is Urbandub's Soul Searching. I miss this song. the dub gets better and better. been listening to their old songs lately. they're totally awesome.

in a nutshell

only had about 4 hours sleep today. i paid our Meralco bill for the first time; now that's a breakthrough! hahaha! burned my lungs rightafter and i bought a ticket to the NU Rock Awards! I'm excited! Doc Nikki is also IN for some Saguijo or 6Underground gig this week. Damn, i miss Saguijo!

this morning though i think i cried before i went to bed. i thought life's cruel. hehe. so i didn't stop thinking about it. until i realized i shouldn't really think like that.

i suddenly remembered what Bryan told me when i broke the news last year that I and JK are back again, he said "If he's done it once, he'll do it over and over and over again" Back then i just couldn't understand why he's so against it. i didn't know he was right. i didn't believe him. why didn't i anyway? he's a man. he should know. it's what he does. Mistake #3. God i'm so stupid. i should have put a high regard to myself then.

YOU LIVE, YOU LEARN.

so i've decided not to dwell on that anymore. he's not WORTH it. he said i was unsupportive. *rolleyes* we have the almost the same interest. how can i be unspportive? as i looked back on the things i've done, not just for him but for Gibson or Jai, i think i fair quite great on the "supportive" side. when Jai write short stories, i've always been the first to read it and push him to publish it. when i was with gibson, i was always the first to look at the paintings he've done or the songs he've made. i don't know how i can be so unsupportive. i don't know how he can say that when i've always been his number one fan. he was my own Ely Buendia.

i think i have so much love to give. i can't waste my time on someone who doesn't appreciate that. i'm so thankful this happened. so thankful. i learned my WORTH when somebody made me feel WORTHLESS.

BTW, Gibson's writing songs again, he said. can't wait to go home! (and make babies!)

just give up

i don't know why i listen to people. i should know better. i don't know why i entertain the past. i should only look forward. i feel a terrible mix of emotions today. i wish the pain killer i'm taking can also kill pains of life's harsh reality. like i mentioned about several days ago, I DON't WANT TO FEEL like how i did in November 20th. It was better the day after that but i don't know how it's creeping up again to me. Maybe because it's still there. and no matter what block i put in it, a hole will still be a hole. Life should be so simple. You eat, work, sleep. Why can't i manage to do just that? Why do i have to insert unrealistic thoughts in between? i think emotinally, i need an overhaul. how do i do that? i don't know. i wish you can just remove everything u don't like from your mind and heart completely in a snap. i wish it's that easy and convenient. evidently it's not so i'm screwed. i have to live with it. Gene told me to take life day by day, (we were just atlking about jobs in the US at the start of that conversation, haha! it somehow shifted to life?) i didn't know what to say because i don't want to feel the same pain every fucking day of my life. It will pass, yes, but i don't want to feel it at all. Maybe subconsciously i don't want to accept defeat. I'm the type who always want to fight the fight (emotionally). Maybe i don't understand it. Maybe i don't see the logic of it now. or maybe i do, emotional grievance is just maybe overshadowing it now. someday i'll probably realize what it's for. here comes the test of patience. i'm never patient. ugh.

Happy Thanksgiving

it's thanksgiving in the States. hehe. Had a turkey for dinner. free food rocks! hehe.

i'm currently my planning trip home this New Year. what do i do? How will i do it? what's my schedule? what's my budget? i'm super excited! i'd like to sleep in my mother's room. i'd like to speand 10 hours on the phone. i'd like to go out with my ole' friends. see my family again. CLEAN MY ROOM!haha! go back to my roots. my old school. old flames. damn, can't wait!

the boy who makes me crazy

at about 1am today, Gibs texted me. he said "HI, here's new number. how r u?" i texted back at about 3am and i was like "gibs! thank god you texted! i feel totally miserable! i wanna die!" after exchanging whatnots, i didn't feel miserable anymore. all emotional baggage just went away. somehow i found comfort again; just like going back home. it's amazing and in a way magical. it's a weird feeling. a blissful emotion i can't contain.

then again, no matter what a stupid good-for-nothing bitch-slapping asshole he is, those few sweet days with him was unforgettable. why wouldn't it be? he was my crush from the day i met him in 2001 until the day i hit my head in the wall and realized he's a total jerk. what i remember the most though was the last night we were together. there were fireworks everywhere. haha! we walked about 2 kilometers at the wee hours of the morning. we passed through the city's public market, walking tipsy with his arm around my shoulder and we weren't official lovers that time, i guess we never were ever, what i only knew then was that i was head over heels over him (for some werird reason). then we had to sober up so we bought some coffee on this mobile coffeeshop, if you know wht i mean, haha! in Cogon Market...i was hesistant to try it at first, but i thought it would be a really great experience and it made it more magical. why i think that way before I DONT KNOW! i didn't care then if he had 5 ladies all connected with him at the same time.

now he said he's living in a dorm. the same dorm we last went to when we got all drunk and crazy. i think that's what i like about him. he makes me crazy. damn i want to be crazy again. with him.

skipping november 20th

November 20, 2006 is the day i don't want to remember. i was soaked in my own tears. i was miserable. i felt so helpless. i wanted to die! if only i didn't believe in hell... i never want to feel that way anymore. I WILL NOT FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE>

it's time to put the safety jacket on when it comes to the matter of the 5-letter word. i won't give in. i won't go out and be promiscous like what happened last year. because i'm worth more than that. i'm worth more than the girl that a certain person easily threw away when he found me worthless. it's time to love myself now. i will never be kind again.

yesterday was also tragic because Angel had a miscarriage. i was just totally dumbfounded. i was not the only one sufferring that day. she feels horrible. she's so depress. she didn't report to work last night i learned. and to think that i pushed her to drink alcohol a couple of weeks ago when we went o her condo. i feel it's partly my fault. so sad. Angel is such a sensitive emotional lady. i can just imagine how she's feeling at this very moment. it's devastating. the father of the late baby is where? GONE. he only comes to her for mealticket. what a jerk. i don't know how girls fall for those types of guys.

ugh. terrible terrible day.

Gone

it hurts. i thought it won't. i thought it'd only feel like an ant's bite. but no, it feels like a crocodile's bite. hahaha! it hurts so much. damn. same as the feeling of me agreing with breaking up with JK. i thought it'd be easy but it's NOT easy afterall.

mobius

i was so late for the incision biopsy. i was supposed to be in Healthway by 1:00 but i came at 1:30. blame the traffic. hehe. so i was rescheduled for 3:00. dum-dee-dum-dom-dom...

mobius
this cafe is really cute. it's really loud here but my audio is louder. haha! no one cares anyway. however it's really cheap here because it's only 15Php per hour and to think that they're located in the mall (Market! Market!) they should rate higher than that. in Glorietta and Greenbelt the net cafe's rates are like 50 pesos per hour, the pc's are freakin' lame, they still have those crt monitors and windows98 os. it's So cute when i was at the counter i saw this midget... i don't often see midgets in person so pardon me if i seem offensive, hehe. he's my-waist-high and his hair's like JK's "semi-kalbo" and at the back are strands of long braided hair.. ugh, my explanation sucks but u'll know it when u see it, haha! i smiled at him, i thought he was cute. i thought he was the only one. then the lady behind the counter called someone to usher me to my station, i almost did not noticed her, to my surprise she was also a midget! and i looked around, all usherettes were midgets! i've never seen that many midgets in real life ever before so forgive my naivete! hehe! they're just SO SO SO cute, i'd like to bring them home! hahaha!

BLOG: RE-OPENED

Yesterday, i couldn't stop writing. there are only about eight pages left now of this big black notebook. i guess it's time to buy a new one. and yes! i'm writing this on a notebook and i'm transferring it to my blog which i re-opened because no one's going to go against my train of thought now. hehe. so it's public again. BAH. let me just warn you though that this first post from my hiatus will be long. evidently to catch up for the things i missed to express.

First.
i am now taking calls in DELL Customer Care.

the first day was last week, Nov. 7, 2006. it was a horrible day for us. our team is called Yeye's Tagteam. Soon i'll post a picture here. During the first day, everyone was freaking out, man! the pressure was sky-high. imagine we're Batch 1 of Dell's first non-outsource center in the Philippines. we all thought there'd be only about 3-5 calls a day... we thought wrong. had about 13 calls in 4 hours. and they were long calls! we were like guinea pigs in a cage. change happens in a split of a second. now things are a bit easier. but there are still plenty of things to learn. it's NOSEBLLED.

Second.
i may have cancer

i hate to burst your bubble but i'm not dying. hehe. the doctor's first diagnosis was Nasopharyngeal cancer. the biopsies made behind my nose did not show signs of cells of this type of cancer. my doctor i guess will ask another pathologist to test it. now the biopsy done on my portruding lymphnode at the right side of my neck showed signs of reactive lymphadenopathy: it's a condition in which there is enlargement of the lymph nodes in response to infections. The condition may affect one or a few lymph nodes, or may affect all the lymph nodes. If it's painful, it's a chronic infection and once it's not, it's caused by cancer. MINE IS PAINLESS. this saturday i'm going to undergo another biosy. this time it's incision biopsy. the doctor is going to take a mass os sample from my lymphnodes. that will bleed and that will be painful. Chanel volunteered that she go with me, but she found out she has a class that time, so i would have to go alone. i haven't told any of my relatives about my situation just yet because i know they'll freak out! especially my mother. once when i was about 9 years old, i developed this infection which caused a bump on top of my head. it was supposed to be painful i think. knowing that i was only 9 and i was SUCH a crybaby (ask my mother, she never fails to mention that to other people when i'm around, ugh) but then at the time the doctor was incising the skin on my head, i never cried. my mother said to me rightafter---"you're a brave girl." it kinda' stuck to me. so now i'm not afraid to go through incision, i'm a brave girl.

Third.
the jk-chaii is over.

yes. we're over. we're done. so i'm VERY single. what happened, you ask? well he's not cut for the "true love conquers all" cliche. the long distance setup kills him. i calle dhim last tuesday 3am; i used my 1 hour lunchbreak. he was like a call center agent: he was bilding rapport! and he was really good at it. what seemed to me like a mundane casual conversation will actually lead to a proposal for a break-up. superb "positive scripting" i tell you. i dont't mean that in a negative way and i'm not mad at him for the decision he chose. it's what makes him happy, how can i ever deny him that right? so i let go. it's just a shame for me because i held on too tightly to something that i knew from the start was too fragile. something that is too good to be true. this already happened once before, i took him back. now he's done it again. i told irene about it and he r reply was pretty predictable: " makulit ka kase e, dati ko pa sinasabi yan sa'yo e..." hehe. i know if i'll tell bryan about it he'll tell me the same thing, so are my other friends from my previous company. and i bet they'll only tell me one thing: that i should go out with someone else! oh well... i should've gotten pat Tirano's number before. hahahahah!

Fourth.
continuation...

i wonder how my gig-buddies are doing. Sue, JR and the rest of the pupil and sandwich addicts. it seems like i haven't got the life in 10 years! my last gig was lat July, now's november man! i got really busy with my new job and budget got really tight. i believe that's about to change. the NU rock awards is just around the corner. Dec 01! it's friday, working day but i'm going to be sick that day..haha! it's a little sad though because last year i dreamed that this year i'd watch it with JK. there's no more chance of that happening any longer, so it's a little disappointing. i should've wished it on a shooting star. sheesh. anyway, there'll probably be BEER then to keep a drunken heart sober.

p.s. my tag-board is up. please drop a line. tnx!